Dreams & False Alarms

Listen, I love hearing about Beyonce’s baby, but as far as I’m concerned, the two following items are what really merit a story:

Solange, herself a mother, just relocated to Carroll Gardens, Brooklyn, from Los Angeles, and sent her son to first grade this past week. She’s also working on a new record. #

Don’t you have so many questions? I have so many questions! (Like what school? And if I haunt coffee shops in Carroll Gardens will I run into Solange Knowles? And if I do, will we become best friends? Would she like me to babysit? Because I can babysit. Although maybe it’s weird to ask your best friend to be your babysitter? So, I dunno. But like, if say, her sister and brother-in-law need a babysitter, she should feel free to pass along my name. And most importantly of all, can she please make sure that all of the songs on the album are Sandcastle Disco-level?)

leilacohanmiccio:

2011 Book #60

AAAAAAAAAAAAAH. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

Is this a book with teams? Because TEAM PEETA.

I am twelve.

Oh, ARE THERE EVER teams. Actually, wait, no. I take it back. There are no teams because Gale doesn’t even register.

I like to think that “WOMYN aka HITCH (Demo?)” exists because Heems read this (probably, right?) and got very fixated on all it contains, as well as the idea that “AN INCREASING NUMBER of feminists are voicing their regret about not sleeping with a small but growing number of Das Racist members”. 

At first, I read this ad on the back of a truck on Long Island as “white glove stabbing”.

“Flagpole Sitta” - Harvey Danger

It has turned out, again and again, that attendance at the free Harvey Danger concert at the Cambridgeside Galleria in the fall of 1998 is the single best indicator of whether someone (from Boston) and I end up as friends.

Why “likes purple” is the most pointed, apt, two-word description of a person ever, I will maybe never know, but it just is.

Don’t believe me? Here’s a thought exercise: think of people, but especially lady people, that you have known, who liked purple a lot. Really think about them. I know! It’s all so clear now, isn’t it?

Then spend the rest of your day (or however long you want! I don’t like purple that much, so no judgment here) categorizing people by “likes purple”/”doesn’t care about purple at all”.

I will never understand why so much perfectly nice ink and breath is wasted on shit-talking New Jersey. No one here doesn’t realize just how awful Connecticut is, right?

I can’t top this description of driving through the place, because oh my god, “all those gray cities with their Ikeas and weird Insurance Office Buildings,” so I won’t try, but honestly. No one would miss this state if it disappeared one day, least of all this New Englander, who personally thinks the region should be capped at Massachusetts, Maine, and Vermont anyway.

What is the word for when you are horrified, but also appreciative, of a thing being made?

No euphemisms in France!

Cute: snow farms!

Cuter: Snow Dragons!

Cutest: “Robert Tuttle, 85, waved a hand dismissively when asked if the snow was keeping him from getting around. He walked to the store to buy Popsicles, he said, and had no trouble.’I’m a Maine boy,’ he said. ‘I’m used to this.’”

Boston Crowded With ‘Snow Farms’/NYT

leilacohanmiccio:

In a reply to my last post about “Shake Ya Tailfeather”, Anthony pointed out that “is that your ass or your momma have reindeer?” remains a baffling lyric. But here’s the thing: it’s only one of the bizarre parts of that song. To wit:

• Is that your ass or your momma have reindeer?
• I like the cocky bowlegged ones
• They be like “he’s the man” when I’m really a Thundercat
• I’m going to eat my money.

I think the line is “is that your ass or your momma HALF reindeer?” Which is still awfully whimsical, but.

1. The Natalie Portman-Mila Kunis thing is a point barely worth making, so all I’ll say is: how distinctly unfortunate for Mila, in this case, that her movie is coming out after Natalie’s.

2. The point has been made that Natalie Portman is “sleeping her way through the cast of That 70s Show”. The other obvious fact tucked inside that information is that Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis were longtime co-stars (and a couple!) on That 70s Show. Now, they are opposite halves of a romantic pairing in movies that are the same, but not.  

3, No Strings Attached (the Ashton Kutcher one) is also the name of an *NSYNC album.

4. Which brings me to Justin. Justin! Remember when he got Punk’d by Ashton Kutcher in 2002? And then did a sketch about Ashton and Punk’d on SNL in 2003? And how then, bafflingly, the feud was still alive in as late as 2008 when they fought over who really started the trucker hat trend?

I’m actually incapable of believing that this is just a zany stacking up of coincidences, or your run of the mill six degrees of separation. I am convinced that somewhere in Hollywood, there exists the most clever, strings-pulling person in the world, who, coincidentally, also happens to be my future best friend.